well, in regards to my previous entry and some of the comments,
maybe i was a bit unclear.
it's not just that people haven't checked up on me. because i'm human--we all are. and i understand that people forget things.
but it's more like...the people at our church themselves. call me judgmental, but...honestly, i've begun to like everyone less and less.
everytime i go, it just furthers my realization that i will never fit in there.
i can barely carry a conversation with most of the girls there . and a lot of the guys too, for that matter.
i feel more awkward and sad and depressed at church than anywhere else.
and i find myself making excuses not to go because i'd rather stay at home and read and sleep or chill with my best friend or even do homework.
church used to be the peak of my week...it would seriously be the only thing i looked forward to.
and now everytime i go i either cry there or afterwards.
and it's sad to say, but i think our church is more clique-ish than my high school.
and it feels like the people at church are more ignorant and less thoughtful than a lot of the atheists i know at school. i mean, i often wonder if they even realize that they are leaving other people out. and i'm not just referring to myself...
two girls i used to be really close to used to go to occec faithfully every friday and sunday back when we were in junior high.
then, when high school came around, they just stopped coming .
i remember continuously beseeching them to come, but to no avail.
at the time, their explanations and "we don't feel like we fit in"s seemed like excuses for laziness.
but now i can completely emphathize.
:(
*note:
please don't think i'm trying to guilt-trip you all or solicit pity.
those aren't my intentions.
this is just me, speaking from the heart, on things that have been on my mind for the past few months.
Nov 2, 2009
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1 comment:
i dig what you're saying. i feel left out too. but i guess it's something you accept. there are just people who have known each other for so long that they truly/whole heartedly may not realize they're leaving someone out. but it yeah it sucks, cause i feel helpless to do anything for ya haha.
anyways. what i've also come to accept is that being christian most definitely does not make us more thoughtful or nice. if anything i think it may even bring out a sense of ignorance. but... gotta love 'em anyways. i mean we're full of faults, myself included.
as for the clique-y stuff... i think we've tried to address it but like i said at first, it might be something that just happens. also, some people say there are a lot of clique stuff and some people say it's gotten a lot better, so it's really hard to get a sense of what's going on.
i know you aren't writing anything for sympathy, for all i know you may have never even intended for the few of us to read it at all. i'm gonna be honest here. i think we all need to re-examine as to why we go to church. i almost left our church last summer because of similar problems. i skipped a few fridays and felt really embraced at another small church i attended. but near the end of the summer, i think i grew all of sudden and realized that i need to go to occec because that's where i'm able to connect to god. not because i know people there or they make me feel happy (which may be a bonus), but because this is where i can grow closer to god.
just remember that god knows you're there! and he truly wants you to be there. i am so very much sincerely truly full-heartedly sorry that church made you feel this way. but i really hope you realize that although there are people like me at church who may not be very engaging socialites, we truly care about you as a sister of the church.
just think of yourself as being a mother. even if your child yells at you and screams at you, you'll still (hopefully) love your child. think of the church as this child!
i think as much as you deserve to never feel so bad at church, god has a plan for making you stronger. sorry i talked so much but it really pains me to see someone so sad. please i hope you feel better,
god bless.
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