sorry.

lately i've been reverting to my old bitchy ways
and i hate it
and i hate that i can't stop myself before i speak, sometimes
and that things just come out
and that i often snap at people who have done nothing to deserve the results of the my short temper

i don't want to be the person i was in middle school
because although i wasn't afraid of anyone and was secure in my personality and spoke my mind, i hurt a lot of people in doing so.

it's so easy to fall into the hole of bitchiness though
start off with my naturally competitive demeanor, and then factor in sleep deprivation and ap euro-induced stress...and there you have it


this is just a plea to the rest of the world to forgive me when i let exasperation and fatigue and rudeness overtake me.

childhood fantasies

before harry potter and disney channel and mtv and all the ways i have found to entertain myself since the age of 8 (although i do believe i began the harry potter series at age 7.), there came tales of princesses finding their knights in shining armor, of happy endings, and of forever.

tales of light-hearted fiction that my childish mind believed without doubt because i had not yet been exposed to the woodbridge honors english 2 summer assignment (re: mythology--hercules killing his family and dying painfully); the true story of the conquest of the native americans; the fact and knowledge that mermaids certainly do not exist; and that royal families, like that of anastasia, if she existed, weren't killed off by evil magicians--they were killed by human beings. humans who had the potential to be good and kind and loving people, but who had been overtaken by greed, ambition, and the like.

anyways, i spent about an hour and a half of precious homework time reliving these fairy tales via youtube. i'm filled with endless love for disney and their conception of such touching stories and songs and animation.

where dreams come true

"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children." - Walt Disney

^ agreed. instead of wasting our days in "crowded classrooms," we should spend all of our time at disneyland. exercising our imaginations, of course.

algebraic functions

i just found out my friend who used to be christian is now agnostic, and it really upset me.

but [as selfish as this sounds] i don't know whether i'm more upset about his loss of faith or that i could be him in the near future.
although i think it's a combination of both.

it makes me really sad because honestly (and this is just me being open and frank because that's what blogs are for, right?), i think that maybe he left (and i use the term "left" because it feels like he has departed and moved on to another place, although his physical being remains in the same area) less because of God and more because of our church...
or maybe he's just been through too much.

i wish i could see the future
and i wish that i could know for certain that i'd still have my faith
but even now, i'm maybe 10% as passionate about God as i was half a year ago. (basically since i retore my acl.)
i hope this isn't a constantly decreasing sort of function.
like y = -x.
because eventually, you hit rock bottom. and you don't resurface. you just keep falling deeper and deeper into the negatives.
but then again, maybe it takes hitting rock bottom to find your way back up.
like y = |x|. (<-- absolute value function)
steady decrease till 0, and then an increase to infinity.

i guess time will tell.

and yes, i actually drew you guys a diagram...haha


edit: while rereading this post, i realized that it could be argued that the point (0,0) isn't rock bottom, but rather the beginning / where it all started / no knowledge whatsoever. it is, after all, the point of origin.
i guess a better graph for what i'm trying to say would be f(x)=|x|-14 or something, over the interval (0,infinity).
i'd graph it out but it's 3:25 AM. so i shall just do it later.
HAHAHAH wow i am such a nerd.

double-edit: but ^that would mean that i started out with knowledge at birth...which i didn't. OMG this is so frustrating. I AM GOING TO COME UP WITH A FUNCTION TO REPRESENT WHAT I WANT TO SAY.
..eventually.
...i'm going to bed.

pacific symphony youth orchestra

ellen and i went to the psyo concert on sunday.
it was held in the renee and henry segerstrom concert hall, this amazing building made of like glass on the outside and with gorgeous internal architecture as well






with justin & tiffany, two of the six woodbridge representatives in psyo (:

i hate crying

but i love crying

i hate the feeling of my chest constricting and not being able to breathe
but i love the feeling of simply letting go and losing control for a moment.

i hate feeling incomplete and sad and whatever brought on the waterworks
but i love feeling like i've cleansed my soul and gotten everything out of my system

i hate the mess it makes--tissues, teardrop wrinkles on paper, ink blots on my books
but i love the way it dries and leaves things barely changed on the exterior, although there has been a vast change in my interior

i hate how vulnerable i feel when i let other people see me cry
but i also hate how isolated and lost i feel when i am crying alone, which is most of the time
i love that crying in front of someone creates a bond


i don't know why i published this

commemoration

there was no school today because of veterans' day.
at first i was really excited simply because it was a break from lectures, notes, and exams.
but i started thinking more deeply about it and realized that today was meant to be a day to remember the lives lost and the sanity sacrificed for the good of the country.
i'm not an advocate for war or anything, but i do think that the world wars were necessary.
and the men who gave their lives, and those who now suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder or still have nightmares because of the horrible events they lived through, deserve major respect and appreciation.
i know there's about a 0% chance that any veteran will ever read this blog, but i wanted to say thank you to all of the veterans out there that have, at some point, risked everything to serve our nation.

sin city

our marching band & colorguard/dance team went to vegas this past weekend to compete with somewhere between 30 and 46 other bands, and we won 1st place in the entire tournament :) i can't even describe how proud i was.

i took around 350 pictures, about half of which i put up on facebook if you want to see them. they're nothing special. i'm actually a bit disappointed in my pictures of the trip :P

but anyways,
here are some of the ones i liked.






















formal attire for the criss angel show.
this picture was actually taken with ellen's camera.

to stephanie

thank you for being the most loyal, sweet, compassionate, amazing, deep, talented, intelligent, beautiful, generous, witty, kind, BEST friend that i have ever had.

i can't even put in words how much it means that you're always there for me, no matter what.
it means the world that you still think of me and worry about me and pray for me.
and i know that no matter what changes, we'll always be friends.










^this always makes me smile (:




miss you ♥

might as well put it all out there .

well, in regards to my previous entry and some of the comments,
maybe i was a bit unclear.
it's not just that people haven't checked up on me. because i'm human--we all are. and i understand that people forget things.
but it's more like...the people at our church themselves. call me judgmental, but...honestly, i've begun to like everyone less and less.
everytime i go, it just furthers my realization that i will never fit in there.
i can barely carry a conversation with most of the girls there . and a lot of the guys too, for that matter.

i feel more awkward and sad and depressed at church than anywhere else.
and i find myself making excuses not to go because i'd rather stay at home and read and sleep or chill with my best friend or even do homework.

church used to be the peak of my week...it would seriously be the only thing i looked forward to.
and now everytime i go i either cry there or afterwards.

and it's sad to say, but i think our church is more clique-ish than my high school.
and it feels like the people at church are more ignorant and less thoughtful than a lot of the atheists i know at school. i mean, i often wonder if they even realize that they are leaving other people out. and i'm not just referring to myself...


two girls i used to be really close to used to go to occec faithfully every friday and sunday back when we were in junior high.
then, when high school came around, they just stopped coming .
i remember continuously beseeching them to come, but to no avail.
at the time, their explanations and "we don't feel like we fit in"s seemed like excuses for laziness.
but now i can completely emphathize.

:(

*note:
please don't think i'm trying to guilt-trip you all or solicit pity.
those aren't my intentions.
this is just me, speaking from the heart, on things that have been on my mind for the past few months.

things have changed.

my mother and i maintain a cordial relationship.
i no longer speak to my sister.
there is someone in the world who understands me completely and shares my sentiments.
i eat breakfast and lunch.
i am nowhere near as skinny or muscular as i once was; i have lost the athletic build (in my legs especially) that i had achieved through years of ballet and basketball.
i have alienated most of the people in my life because i simply don't have the energy to deal with b.s. anymore.
i rarely attend church. (it kind of hurts that no one even cares.)
i am now a bando, not an athlete.
i have accepted that people come and go, and life doesn't stop for anyone.

domo-kun!

i made my halloween costume this year, and i'm unreasonably proud of it .
:)


the creative process at work






the scavenger hunt was less fun this year.
i kind of regret going, actually.
all it did was serve to remind me of why i never go to church anymore.