hiatus

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

(meaning that i'll be back...because the tides will always bring me back here. you never forget your first love! and sadly my blogspot is like a boyfriend. taking all my sh!t and listening to me rant and all.)

goodbye for now

i hated this book but kathy cheng is amazing !

live fast, die young.

heeeey soul sister.

so i rarely update this thing anymore
but this is a belated birthday post to ellen ohhh (:

in the words of hannah montana, "[you're more than my best friend.] you're like my sister."
(yes, i did in fact just quote hannah montana. sue me.)

happy sweet 16 ! <3
(or 18, in korean years. @_@)

from the (fictional) tale of a fellow insomniac.

"He just stood there, looking at me, and I had this flash of us, here in this little garage apartment, in the middle of the night. From up above, in a plane passing over, you'd just see one little light in all this dark, with no idea of the lives that were being lived within it, and in the house beside, and beside that one. So much happening in the world, night and day, hour by hour. It was no wonder we were meant to sleep, if only to check out of it for a little while."

DCON 2010

this past weekend was Key Club's annual District Convention! the first that i have attended. it was held in sacramento, CA; april 9th-11th.
i had a really good time :) and i learned so much. it was crazily overwhelming (3000+ attendees!), the spirit was unbelievable, and i was rather sleep-deprived for most of saturday, but my only real complaint would have to be the 7-hour bus ride, and perhaps a few regrets here and there about not being more outgoing, or confident, or loud. but i suppose i have two more years, so no sweat, right?

wait, did i just say no sweat?
pfffft. if only. now that dcon's over, the 2010-2011 terms for new officers have begun. i am officially the president of Woodbridge High's Key Club! gah.
it feels surreal that i am able to take part in such a large movement. for those of you that do not know, Key Club is a branch of Kiwanis, which is the largest and oldest service organization in the world. i am so honored to be given the opportunity to make the difference that i aspire to achieve this coming year, but so scared as well. i can only hope that i don't completely lose my head when junior year starts and neglect the club and my board. i guess only time will tell .

anyway, here's to meeting new people & serving our school, community, and the world :)

5:30 AM rendezvous at woodbridge before the bus ride. goodness me, it was early.




woodbridge key clubbb representtt !
















DISTRICT 41 NORTH, HOLLA (:

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love (among human beings) does not last. human hearts are fickle and indecisive and the word "forever" is ambiguous. people hurt but heal, get attached but learn to move on. the question is whether you would rather love and be hurt, or never love at all and live forever behind a glass wall, with eye contact as the only possible link between your heart and another.

i am afraid i will spend my entire life looking for that perfect someone, only to realize that i passed them by in my stupid quest for this stupid idea of a perfect romance.

and yet i am afraid i will settle complacently, telling myself "this is as good as it's going to get," rather than have the strength to know that i deserve better.

i know that i am much too young to even worry or care about these things
but high school is where you are supposed to experiment with these things to figure out what you want.
but i don't want a meaningless relationship just for the sake of having a relationship.
and yet, i know it's much too much to expect anything deeper than shallow attraction at this age. (15, in case you were wondering..)

and hell, how are you supposed to know what you want if you don't even know who you are. which i don't.

but i do know that i want to find love
don't we all?
i want children, a career, a beautiful house, a beautiful life
i want it all.

damn american dream.

and i know that all people stress over these kinds of things
but i wonder if i think about such issues a little TOO much

i wish i could live in the moment
stop and smell the flowers and enjoy the view, and all that jazz
instead my mind is always
always
always
on the past
or thinking of the future

i feel like i need a good, deep soul-cleanse.
i need to be purified.
i need to calm down.
i need to control my emotions
i need to manage the storm brewing inside my chest





i need to stop ranting on this blog whenever the mood strikes.

insomniatic ramblings

i'm starting to lose my short-term memory.
the days and nights are just a blur of people, places, things...
the words that people say seem to go in one ear and out the other
time is no longer tangible. the hours are endless and morning stretches into night which morphs back into morning which shifts to nighttime yet again.
i feel like i am living for nothing.
i am unproductive and lazy and procrastinatory and always wishing/hoping/dreaming, but doing nothing to achieve my ambitions.
i miss the comforting routine of school, basketball, eat, homework, sleep. and repeat.

why is it that i am always living in the past...

i've realized several things though.

1) i sleep late on purpose because i would rather occupy myself on tumblr or lookbook or blogger or facebook or whatever until 4 in the morning and fall asleep immediately upon my head's impact on my pillow, than lie awake in my bed for hours thinking about everything that plagues and haunts me and causes me remorse.

2) i like my room messy. i actually like that i can barely see the floor. at least it has character, right? my room is the one place where i can be myself, be alone, and be the total slob that i am. and it is the one place where i can close the door and just fall apart in privacy.

3) i am not gorgeous or stick-thin, but i am not fat, and i am not ugly. this is the body that God gave me, and i'd better respect it. no more self-hate.

4) i will probably never find my prince charming, or soulmate, or whatever you want to call him.

5) i will never fit in with the girls at my church

6) people do not really care or notice. so there is no point in being super self-conscious about the little things because it's not like anyone but myself is even thinking about whatever it is that i'm being insecure about.

7) sometimes you can't save people. sometimes you have to let people go. sometimes there is nothing you can do to help them. sometimes you have to realize that it's their life, and they can do what they want with it.




spending my time thinking that if you cared, you'd call.
but then ignoring your call when it comes.


i don't know what i want

bamboozle left

orianthi


the ready set


FM (far*east movement) pt.1


FM pt.2


MET THEM HEHEHEE <3
(who knew there lurked such a fangirl inside my usual angsty, dark self?)


lead vocalist & drummer from all the day holiday! :)
they were so so so nice. and their music is actually quite good, check em out sometime!


nevershoutnever!


something corporate

i had a really good time.
gotta start going to more concerts.
my only regrets are not going earlier to catch more bands & not asking far east movement for another picture. one with better quality. and me in the middle teehee ^_^

alone

i am nothing.



i don't love me, and that's how i understand why you don't either.

the wonders of youtube

oh my gosh hahahahha sarah reblogged this on tumblr and ellen & i found it hilarious.

nighttime.

i didn't make these. i found them on tumblr.
but they speak my mind so perfectly
wouldn't it be nice if God decided to make life easy and put all the people in the world who understood you right in the forefront of your life? then we (well...i, at least) wouldn't feel this strange wistfulness and irrational longing for people that we/i have never met in person but have the same thoughts, expressed online, as we/i do.
but i guess that would defeat the journey, and purpose, of life.
and i suppose it makes those people in life that DO understand you that much more valuable.

what is this unfamiliar feeling...

i think i actually just felt
a pang in my heart

not the kind that comes from sadness
well, actually, yes, sadness. but not the friendship, growing-apart kind. or the pity kind. or the loneliness kind.
not the kinds i'm used to.


i don't even remember the last time i felt this way
my heart has lain dormant for so long.

i told myself i wouldn't get attached.
but now i have, and it's too late.

the walls i built are coming down...


but in a way i'm glad
now i know i have a heart (well, i always knew i had a heart. but i'd forgotten that it could feel certain emotions.)
now i know that maybe i am human, after all.



--------------------

edit: or not.
got over it in like 5 minutes.
at least, that's what i'll tell myself. because the tough veneer that i keep up on the outside is also inside me. and i will never admit to anyone, not even myself, that someone means any more to me than i do to them.

every day my heart breaks

today, monday, i listened to my friend tell me about the tough time her family is going through. about her doubts, insecurities, and changes of heart. and i couldn't help but see a bit of my reflection in her.

yesterday, sunday, i got into yet another fight with my mom. i am so ashamed right now of how i acted. i think i might need anger management. but then...it's only with my mother that i ever get this emotional.

on saturday i went to a convalescent (nursing) home with GCP in alhambra.
to put it bluntly, it was theee most depressing thing ever.
at first things were alright. the patients (i don't know if it is correct to refer to them as patients but i will anyway) were in the middle of a game of bingo when we arrived. taking a seat next to an old lady with snow-white hair and wearing a light pink ensemble, i began to simply make small talk and ask her about her life at the facilities. after a few more games, some patients returned to their own rooms, while others remained in the dining/game/main room. they were all in wheelchairs. i offered to wheel the lady i'd been paired up with for bingo back to her room, and along with one other guy and girl in our group, we talked with her for a while about her family, her children, her past. i remember complimenting her eyes; they were this gorgeous bright blue, and i could only imagine what a beauty she must have been in her youth. the facilities, too, were almost like a scene straight out of the notebook. clean, plain hallways, that characteristic smell of old people (there is no other way to put it), nurses walking around in crisp white attire, elderly people sitting in wheelchairs outside forboding-looking doors, staring vacantly into space while waiting for assistance. and in this sense of almost deja vu, going back to the notebook (bear with me here), i couldn't help but wonder what these people had lived through. whether they had, in previous decades, lived out the kinds of love stories that most people in our generation can only dream about, stories like that of allie and noah. it was hard to imagine that these old, fragile human beings had once been young, carefree, and unbreakable (so to speak).
returning to the main room, i looked around for someone who looked like they might want company. approaching a small, elderly woman with veiny hands clasped together in a death grip, i greeted her with a cheerful hello and attempted to ask her how her day was going. key word: attempted. she stared at me hostilely for probably about 10 seconds before i finally capitulated and tried to gracefully extricate myself. i gave a "well, it was nice talking to you. have a nice day!" and then scampered off. it was all i could do not to cry.
i tried again with some other seniors. two more attempts. two more failures.
finally, i and another guy in the group, (eric, i think,) approached an old, balding woman with glasses near the edge of the room. at first things went well; we talked about bingo, and other trivial things that i cannot recall. but when i brought up family, the woman suddenly became extremely emotional. she began to tell us about her sister, who had, from what i could gather, left her in a nursing home and hadn't visited since. she began to cry, and it was all i could do not to join in. i knelt at her side and clumsily tried to comfort her with an embrace and a hand on her shoulder. it was at this point that eric discreetly sidled away, after awkwardly standing there for a bit. couldn't blame him. and don't get me wrong, he wasn't a heartless jerk or anything; he was simply male (guys out there, don't deny that you'd be uncomfortable too). later he thanked me for intervening, because he hadn't had a clue what to do in the situation. but, i digress. so, still kneeling, i listened to the woman repeat the same phrases. "she [my sister] left me here," "she says she has to work," "i've been here so long," "she hasn't come to visit me." and finally, "she doesn't love me," when i tried to tell her otherwise. it was so unbelievably heartbreaking. i honestly had no clue what i was doing, either. when, in my short, self-centered, unimportant life had i ever been prepared for something like this? all i had in me was the ability to whisper a quick prayer to God in hopes that He would help me through this. and He did. i felt so incredibly helpless and hopeless sitting there with that woman, whose tears were still running, not being able to do anything to ease her burden. after a while i ran out of things to say, as well. but God gave me the strength to continue just sitting there, giving her the company that she was so in need of.

every day the world breaks my heart, Lord,
but every day You piece it back together.

this town is no place for a claustrophobic.

shanghai, 2007. (but my roots are in beijing.)

i want to be able to look out my window and see the lights of a thousand separate lives. i want to be able to feel the city's pulse, to feel it breathing; to feel that the night is young even though the sun's first rays are already beginning to appear on the horizon;
rather than see this comfortable, dull neighborhood full of enormous houses & equally large egos.
i want to see the true world
rather than this town of stifled dreams
rather than this home of those who settle
rather than this place that everyone yearns to escape
rather than this bubble that encases us all.


but i know i would lose myself in a city too large.
i am too naive, too young, too trusting, too benevolent, too soft-hearted...too inexperienced.
perhaps the place i am meant to be
is right where i am.

was i that easy to forget?

people come and go...but i guess i'm lucky enough to have found my one in a million that has stayed with me through it all.

the great escape

these two have made such an impact on my life :)


creds to anthony.

























i wonder
how long the aftershock, so to speak,
of this retreat
will last.





it feels like it's already fading.