i'm starting to lose my short-term memory.
the days and nights are just a blur of people, places, things...
the words that people say seem to go in one ear and out the other
time is no longer tangible. the hours are endless and morning stretches into night which morphs back into morning which shifts to nighttime yet again.
i feel like i am living for nothing.
i am unproductive and lazy and procrastinatory and always wishing/hoping/dreaming, but doing nothing to achieve my ambitions.
i miss the comforting routine of school, basketball, eat, homework, sleep. and repeat.
why is it that i am always living in the past...
i've realized several things though.
1) i sleep late on purpose because i would rather occupy myself on tumblr or lookbook or blogger or facebook or whatever until 4 in the morning and fall asleep immediately upon my head's impact on my pillow, than lie awake in my bed for hours thinking about everything that plagues and haunts me and causes me remorse.
2) i like my room messy. i actually like that i can barely see the floor. at least it has character, right? my room is the one place where i can be myself, be alone, and be the total slob that i am. and it is the one place where i can close the door and just fall apart in privacy.
3) i am not gorgeous or stick-thin, but i am not fat, and i am not ugly. this is the body that God gave me, and i'd better respect it. no more self-hate.
4) i will probably never find my prince charming, or soulmate, or whatever you want to call him.
5) i will never fit in with the girls at my church
6) people do not really care or notice. so there is no point in being super self-conscious about the little things because it's not like anyone but myself is even thinking about whatever it is that i'm being insecure about.
7) sometimes you can't save people. sometimes you have to let people go. sometimes there is nothing you can do to help them. sometimes you have to realize that it's their life, and they can do what they want with it.
spending my time thinking that if you cared, you'd call.
but then ignoring your call when it comes.
i don't know what i want
About Me
- jessica
- i dream of leaving this town and these people behind. waiting on the world to change...and for my hair to grow out. and for my 16th birthday to arrive, so i can obtain the freedom a license brings.
2 comments:
life's too good to last. don't embrace the past too much. make use of the time given to you. you'll want it all back pretty soon.
i know. the past always seems a lot better than it actually was. and what is happening right now will be the past soon, too...hard to imagine that life will soon lead to me wanting to come back to these times. it just makes me dread the future more :| but i guess there's no point in trying to avoid the inevitable. gotta keep my chin up & my eyes forward.
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