Apr 25, 2010
heeeey soul sister.
so i rarely update this thing anymore
but this is a belated birthday post to ellen ohhh (:
in the words of hannah montana, "[you're more than my best friend.] you're like my sister."
(yes, i did in fact just quote hannah montana. sue me.)
happy sweet 16 ! <3
(or 18, in korean years. @_@)
but this is a belated birthday post to ellen ohhh (:
in the words of hannah montana, "[you're more than my best friend.] you're like my sister."
(yes, i did in fact just quote hannah montana. sue me.)
happy sweet 16 ! <3
(or 18, in korean years. @_@)
Apr 17, 2010
from the (fictional) tale of a fellow insomniac.
"He just stood there, looking at me, and I had this flash of us, here in this little garage apartment, in the middle of the night. From up above, in a plane passing over, you'd just see one little light in all this dark, with no idea of the lives that were being lived within it, and in the house beside, and beside that one. So much happening in the world, night and day, hour by hour. It was no wonder we were meant to sleep, if only to check out of it for a little while."
Apr 15, 2010
DCON 2010
this past weekend was Key Club's annual District Convention! the first that i have attended. it was held in sacramento, CA; april 9th-11th.
i had a really good time :) and i learned so much. it was crazily overwhelming (3000+ attendees!), the spirit was unbelievable, and i was rather sleep-deprived for most of saturday, but my only real complaint would have to be the 7-hour bus ride, and perhaps a few regrets here and there about not being more outgoing, or confident, or loud. but i suppose i have two more years, so no sweat, right?
wait, did i just say no sweat?
pfffft. if only. now that dcon's over, the 2010-2011 terms for new officers have begun. i am officially the president of Woodbridge High's Key Club! gah.
it feels surreal that i am able to take part in such a large movement. for those of you that do not know, Key Club is a branch of Kiwanis, which is the largest and oldest service organization in the world. i am so honored to be given the opportunity to make the difference that i aspire to achieve this coming year, but so scared as well. i can only hope that i don't completely lose my head when junior year starts and neglect the club and my board. i guess only time will tell .
anyway, here's to meeting new people & serving our school, community, and the world :)
5:30 AM rendezvous at woodbridge before the bus ride. goodness me, it was early.
woodbridge key clubbb representtt !
DISTRICT 41 NORTH, HOLLA (:
i had a really good time :) and i learned so much. it was crazily overwhelming (3000+ attendees!), the spirit was unbelievable, and i was rather sleep-deprived for most of saturday, but my only real complaint would have to be the 7-hour bus ride, and perhaps a few regrets here and there about not being more outgoing, or confident, or loud. but i suppose i have two more years, so no sweat, right?
wait, did i just say no sweat?
pfffft. if only. now that dcon's over, the 2010-2011 terms for new officers have begun. i am officially the president of Woodbridge High's Key Club! gah.
it feels surreal that i am able to take part in such a large movement. for those of you that do not know, Key Club is a branch of Kiwanis, which is the largest and oldest service organization in the world. i am so honored to be given the opportunity to make the difference that i aspire to achieve this coming year, but so scared as well. i can only hope that i don't completely lose my head when junior year starts and neglect the club and my board. i guess only time will tell .
anyway, here's to meeting new people & serving our school, community, and the world :)
5:30 AM rendezvous at woodbridge before the bus ride. goodness me, it was early.
woodbridge key clubbb representtt !
DISTRICT 41 NORTH, HOLLA (:
Apr 7, 2010
aslkdjflaksjdflkajsldfkjalskdfjalskjflaksjflkasjflka
love (among human beings) does not last. human hearts are fickle and indecisive and the word "forever" is ambiguous. people hurt but heal, get attached but learn to move on. the question is whether you would rather love and be hurt, or never love at all and live forever behind a glass wall, with eye contact as the only possible link between your heart and another.
i am afraid i will spend my entire life looking for that perfect someone, only to realize that i passed them by in my stupid quest for this stupid idea of a perfect romance.
and yet i am afraid i will settle complacently, telling myself "this is as good as it's going to get," rather than have the strength to know that i deserve better.
i know that i am much too young to even worry or care about these things
but high school is where you are supposed to experiment with these things to figure out what you want.
but i don't want a meaningless relationship just for the sake of having a relationship.
and yet, i know it's much too much to expect anything deeper than shallow attraction at this age. (15, in case you were wondering..)
and hell, how are you supposed to know what you want if you don't even know who you are. which i don't.
but i do know that i want to find love
don't we all?
i want children, a career, a beautiful house, a beautiful life
i want it all.
damn american dream.
and i know that all people stress over these kinds of things
but i wonder if i think about such issues a little TOO much
i wish i could live in the moment
stop and smell the flowers and enjoy the view, and all that jazz
instead my mind is always
always
always
on the past
or thinking of the future
i feel like i need a good, deep soul-cleanse.
i need to be purified.
i need to calm down.
i need to control my emotions
i need to manage the storm brewing inside my chest
i need to stop ranting on this blog whenever the mood strikes.
i am afraid i will spend my entire life looking for that perfect someone, only to realize that i passed them by in my stupid quest for this stupid idea of a perfect romance.
and yet i am afraid i will settle complacently, telling myself "this is as good as it's going to get," rather than have the strength to know that i deserve better.
i know that i am much too young to even worry or care about these things
but high school is where you are supposed to experiment with these things to figure out what you want.
but i don't want a meaningless relationship just for the sake of having a relationship.
and yet, i know it's much too much to expect anything deeper than shallow attraction at this age. (15, in case you were wondering..)
and hell, how are you supposed to know what you want if you don't even know who you are. which i don't.
but i do know that i want to find love
don't we all?
i want children, a career, a beautiful house, a beautiful life
i want it all.
damn american dream.
and i know that all people stress over these kinds of things
but i wonder if i think about such issues a little TOO much
i wish i could live in the moment
stop and smell the flowers and enjoy the view, and all that jazz
instead my mind is always
always
always
on the past
or thinking of the future
i feel like i need a good, deep soul-cleanse.
i need to be purified.
i need to calm down.
i need to control my emotions
i need to manage the storm brewing inside my chest
i need to stop ranting on this blog whenever the mood strikes.
Apr 5, 2010
insomniatic ramblings
i'm starting to lose my short-term memory.
the days and nights are just a blur of people, places, things...
the words that people say seem to go in one ear and out the other
time is no longer tangible. the hours are endless and morning stretches into night which morphs back into morning which shifts to nighttime yet again.
i feel like i am living for nothing.
i am unproductive and lazy and procrastinatory and always wishing/hoping/dreaming, but doing nothing to achieve my ambitions.
i miss the comforting routine of school, basketball, eat, homework, sleep. and repeat.
why is it that i am always living in the past...
i've realized several things though.
1) i sleep late on purpose because i would rather occupy myself on tumblr or lookbook or blogger or facebook or whatever until 4 in the morning and fall asleep immediately upon my head's impact on my pillow, than lie awake in my bed for hours thinking about everything that plagues and haunts me and causes me remorse.
2) i like my room messy. i actually like that i can barely see the floor. at least it has character, right? my room is the one place where i can be myself, be alone, and be the total slob that i am. and it is the one place where i can close the door and just fall apart in privacy.
3) i am not gorgeous or stick-thin, but i am not fat, and i am not ugly. this is the body that God gave me, and i'd better respect it. no more self-hate.
4) i will probably never find my prince charming, or soulmate, or whatever you want to call him.
5) i will never fit in with the girls at my church
6) people do not really care or notice. so there is no point in being super self-conscious about the little things because it's not like anyone but myself is even thinking about whatever it is that i'm being insecure about.
7) sometimes you can't save people. sometimes you have to let people go. sometimes there is nothing you can do to help them. sometimes you have to realize that it's their life, and they can do what they want with it.
spending my time thinking that if you cared, you'd call.
but then ignoring your call when it comes.
i don't know what i want
the days and nights are just a blur of people, places, things...
the words that people say seem to go in one ear and out the other
time is no longer tangible. the hours are endless and morning stretches into night which morphs back into morning which shifts to nighttime yet again.
i feel like i am living for nothing.
i am unproductive and lazy and procrastinatory and always wishing/hoping/dreaming, but doing nothing to achieve my ambitions.
i miss the comforting routine of school, basketball, eat, homework, sleep. and repeat.
why is it that i am always living in the past...
i've realized several things though.
1) i sleep late on purpose because i would rather occupy myself on tumblr or lookbook or blogger or facebook or whatever until 4 in the morning and fall asleep immediately upon my head's impact on my pillow, than lie awake in my bed for hours thinking about everything that plagues and haunts me and causes me remorse.
2) i like my room messy. i actually like that i can barely see the floor. at least it has character, right? my room is the one place where i can be myself, be alone, and be the total slob that i am. and it is the one place where i can close the door and just fall apart in privacy.
3) i am not gorgeous or stick-thin, but i am not fat, and i am not ugly. this is the body that God gave me, and i'd better respect it. no more self-hate.
4) i will probably never find my prince charming, or soulmate, or whatever you want to call him.
5) i will never fit in with the girls at my church
6) people do not really care or notice. so there is no point in being super self-conscious about the little things because it's not like anyone but myself is even thinking about whatever it is that i'm being insecure about.
7) sometimes you can't save people. sometimes you have to let people go. sometimes there is nothing you can do to help them. sometimes you have to realize that it's their life, and they can do what they want with it.
spending my time thinking that if you cared, you'd call.
but then ignoring your call when it comes.
i don't know what i want
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