might as well put it all out there .

well, in regards to my previous entry and some of the comments,
maybe i was a bit unclear.
it's not just that people haven't checked up on me. because i'm human--we all are. and i understand that people forget things.
but it's more like...the people at our church themselves. call me judgmental, but...honestly, i've begun to like everyone less and less.
everytime i go, it just furthers my realization that i will never fit in there.
i can barely carry a conversation with most of the girls there . and a lot of the guys too, for that matter.

i feel more awkward and sad and depressed at church than anywhere else.
and i find myself making excuses not to go because i'd rather stay at home and read and sleep or chill with my best friend or even do homework.

church used to be the peak of my week...it would seriously be the only thing i looked forward to.
and now everytime i go i either cry there or afterwards.

and it's sad to say, but i think our church is more clique-ish than my high school.
and it feels like the people at church are more ignorant and less thoughtful than a lot of the atheists i know at school. i mean, i often wonder if they even realize that they are leaving other people out. and i'm not just referring to myself...


two girls i used to be really close to used to go to occec faithfully every friday and sunday back when we were in junior high.
then, when high school came around, they just stopped coming .
i remember continuously beseeching them to come, but to no avail.
at the time, their explanations and "we don't feel like we fit in"s seemed like excuses for laziness.
but now i can completely emphathize.

:(

*note:
please don't think i'm trying to guilt-trip you all or solicit pity.
those aren't my intentions.
this is just me, speaking from the heart, on things that have been on my mind for the past few months.

things have changed.

my mother and i maintain a cordial relationship.
i no longer speak to my sister.
there is someone in the world who understands me completely and shares my sentiments.
i eat breakfast and lunch.
i am nowhere near as skinny or muscular as i once was; i have lost the athletic build (in my legs especially) that i had achieved through years of ballet and basketball.
i have alienated most of the people in my life because i simply don't have the energy to deal with b.s. anymore.
i rarely attend church. (it kind of hurts that no one even cares.)
i am now a bando, not an athlete.
i have accepted that people come and go, and life doesn't stop for anyone.

domo-kun!

i made my halloween costume this year, and i'm unreasonably proud of it .
:)


the creative process at work






the scavenger hunt was less fun this year.
i kind of regret going, actually.
all it did was serve to remind me of why i never go to church anymore.